Joe West unpacks the hidden sexuality of a song by the innocuous Olly Murs.
Olly Murs was designed in a lab to appeal to women of a certain age. His clean-cut cheekiness is endearing, bordering on sexless. And yet with Wrapped Up, the first single from his new album, Murs is being smuttier than ever. It’s not quite Blurred Lines, but it’s cut from the same cloth, even if you have to take a look at the lyrics to find the naughtiness. Get your magnifying glasses out; we’re going innuendo spotting.
Now excuse if I sound rude
This is the “I’m not racist, but...” of flattery. And also nearly identical to how R Kelly opens Ignition Remix. A coincidence? Yes.
But I love the way that you move
*slowly stops doing the Funky Chicken*
And I see me all over you now
Hovering as a spectre, Murs looks in on his own life in the third person, accompanied by the Ghost of Christmas Present. Change your ways, Olly!
Baby when I look in your eyes
There's no way that I can disguise
...that this is the most generic couplet of 2014, which is almost impressive.
All these crazy thoughts in my mind now
Like how many spoons would you need to post to Alanis Morissette before she went mad? Presumably 10,000.
There's just something about you
“Yet I can’t engage my brain enough to describe it in anything but the vaguest of terms.”
You got the lock
I got the key
Let’s get this chastity belt off and screw, baby. Although we’ll stay under the sheets, as it sure is drafty back here in the Middle Ages.
You know the rest
I’m glad that he gives up on describing the sex in detail here. Would’ve been weird if the rest of the song was just an incredibly explicit description of intercourse.
You know just where I wanna be
Don't ever stop controlling me
Is this reverse psychology? Yeah, that’s it baby, continue not having sex with me. You keep staring at that iPhone.
I kinda like it when you bring me to my knees
Sounds like SOMEONE is reluctant to reciprocate oral sex, Olly.
You got me wrapped up
Around your finger
And the tip has gone all white because of the blood flow being limited.
I'd do anything for your love now
Meatloaf will see you in court.
And when you touch it, the feeling lingers
“Ooh yeah touch it. Boy do I have sensitive genitals”
Takes me up so I high I can't come down
Hello 999? Yes please send the fire brigade, Olly Murs is stuck up a tree again.
You got me wrapped up baby
If you do wrap up a baby this Christmas, please put in air holes.
I don't ever wanna give up
All this spell you got me under
This has to have been written by someone after they got in from the pub, drunk and squinting at the page with one eye closed so they could focus. The alternative, that it was written by a sober millionaire, doesn’t bear thinking about.
I see fireworks when we touch now
That’s just what happens when you stand up too quickly.
There's just something about you
Your body fits on mine like a glove
A one fingered glove, if you know what I mean. (To avoid ambiguity I am referring to the vagina)
Let them say whatever they want
The alternative? Blanket censorship. Not in my name.
It's too late cause you're in my blood now
Shrunken down into a tiny submarine, exploring my circulatory system to try and fight anthropomorphised viruses.
Rap Verse by Travie McCoy
My princess so intelligent
And had the luxury of a private education at the taxpayer’s expense, no doubt. Bloody royals.
Make me wanna reapply to school for the hell of it
I’ll be one of your references for the UCAS form if you like.
I'll be the student, you be the teacher
Another vanilla sex scenario. Why don’t you be the traffic warden, I’ll be the...car? I yearn to be clamped.
Ms. Sophisticated, such a pleasure to meet ya
“Kids, your new teacher is here. Her name is Ms. Sophisticated and she is the fictional creation of Roger Hargreaves”
Yeah, but here's the only issue since we met
You kinda turned my world upside down
And I don't really mind Spider-man kissing you
As long as you're planning on sticking around
A nice image, although one that makes reference to a movie that came out in 2002. Still, about the cleverest thing in the song, for what it’s worth.
The happiest boy in the world award goes to me
Followed by the cutest boy in the world award, because this line is ADORABLE!
Not a chance nobody came close to 'em
I would love to see the contenders for Happiest Boy in the World 2014. Rictus grins all round.
I kinda knew you was troublesome
You got me wrapped around your finger like bubblegum
A golden opportunity for product placement, missed. Nicki Minaj would not have been so careless.