Friends is a show about an unassuming coffee shop owner called Gunther and how his life is slowly ruined by 6 awful narcissists. The theme song is catchy as hell though; a frantic guitar-pop anthem that forces a feeling of contentment to bubble up in fans of the dashing Central Perk proprietor and his seat-hogging customers. And as with all good theme songs, the lyrics perfectly encapsulate the premise of the show.

Or do they?

Yes.

So here they are, picked apart like carrion by crows.

VERSE 1
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
ME: How is my life going to turn out?

[shakes Magic 8 Ball]

[the message in the little window reads “I refuse to tell you”]

ME: I hate this recalcitrant orb

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
Hah. Imagine Joey Tribbiani on Tinder in 2015. Hah. Hahha.

He’d-

He’d like, keep messaging women with aggressive sexual come-ons, and then someone would take a screenshot of the conversations and make a Tumblr about it or some shit.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
Ironically this is the best gear to be in if life is an uphill struggle. Some car humour there, folks. Always wear a seatbelt.

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year
...allow your dreams to die?

CHORUS
I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)

Like an umbrella or a duck’s wing

I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)

In the shadows. Watching. Waiting. Wearing a t-shirt with “WE WERE ON A BREAK” printed on it.

I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

It's unsettling to imagine someone whisper-screaming this at their own face reflected in the back of a spoon.

VERSE 2
You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight
If you’re late for work you obviously don’t have time to make a cooked breakfast.

You've burned your breakfast, so far things are going great
What did I JUST say?

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
So no one someone told you life was gonna be this way.

But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees
KID: Will my life be good, mother, or will an uncaring world crush me under its boot heel?

MOTHER: I don’t know. Now be quiet and eat your dinner. I made you your favourite; burnt breakfast foods

CHORUS

MIDDLE 8
No one could ever know me
Damn that’s aloof.

No one could ever see me
And THAT is ghost talk, mister.

Seems you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Why did Friends never do a Freaky Friday-style body swap episode? Like, Ross and Monica swap bodies and then Chandler has sex with Monica while Ross’ brain is inside her. Then when they swap back and tell Chandler he'd say “Could I BE any more devastated?”

Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
You're the mayor of the friend zone.

Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I'm best with you, Yeah!

Laughing with your best pal as you toss a cobra at an orphan.

CHORUS x2